Mean Girls Suck!!

In the 6th grade I was bullied.  Always afraid, even in my sleep.  I don’t know why they picked on me but there must be something that’s still there because I recently, had a middle school experience, as a grown woman.  Talk about horrible bosses, she was one.  Always critical and fault finding, never encouraging or understanding.  Nothing was ever good enouimages.jpeggh.  It wasn’t enough for her to be a bully in the workplace, she had to set out to destroy my career.  Can a person really be so insecure that they would attack your livelihood?  Man-o-man!  I loathed going to work…even checking my email.  Every time I saw her name, a lump would creep into my throat and knots would twist in my stomach.  She was horrible!  She wanted to see me quit, give up.  She had to prove that she could make or break me.  She chose to try to break me and with everything in me, I fought.  Hard.  Long work days and sleepless nights, tossing and turning wondering when the torture would end.   Why was she so hateful?  Was she jealous?  Of what? Insecure?  Not my issue.  It’s been a long time since I hated someone and she was the first person in a long time I’d allowed to take me to the brink.  A “leader”?  I wouldn’t follow her out of a paper bag….and she knew it too.  I refused to allow her to brag on my back when that’s all she was there for.  Take all of the credit.  She was selfish.  It had to be all about her, I guess I didn’t get the memo that she was the fair-haired golden child.  She wanted me to bow down, but I refused.  I already had a God to worship and I wasn’t looking to replace him.  She must be a miserable person, to have to build herself up by tearing others down.  I have more technical ability and leadership skills.  All she had over me was a title, one that I too would soon hold.  It was pitiful….she was horrible, to me.  But GOD.  He didn’t allow the weapons that formed to prosper…as a matter of fact, everything that the enemy meant for harm, God is turning it around for my good.  He get’s the glory and He will be exalted.  I don’t have to bully too achieve success.  I have a gift of leadership, God gave it to me.  He said that my gift would make room for me and place me before great men.  I am grateful that God’s word is being perfected in my life.

 

I still think that mean girls SUCK!

 

 

Tears of Brokenness Inspired by Reality TV

The roots of the wounds inflicted on the soul of a fatherless child stretch to unfathomable depths.  While watching an episode of reality TV, the father and son were estranged for the formative years of the son’s life.  The father didn’t know that he had a son until the child was eight years old.  The mother willingly withheld the son from his heritage and the father from his lineage.  Stolen years that could never be replaced.

The scars of fatherlessness are deceptive and elusive.  They creep up on you like a solitary patch of quicksand on a beach…you merrily skip along until, suddenly, without warning you find the once solid ground beneath you give way.  No matter how successful, you are..no matter how beautiful and ornate the façade you have created to hide the shame you feel because he wasn’t there..the truth taunts you like a ghost.  That’s why I wept.  I had yet again been caught off guard by the insecure, fatherless me who identified with the pain on the TV screen.  Guiltless I suffer.  Guiltless but scarred.  Guiltless but brokenhearted.  The little lost, lonely, invisible, rejected, abandoned fatherless girl connected to the that little loss fatherless boy and the wounds that desperately need fresh air to heal are exposed briefly.  I panic.  Not here, not now, fear gripped my heart and I had to regain my composure.  That little girl cannot be seen…so, no matter how rancid the wound is for lack of air, she must remain in her place.

 

Identity Theft

A credit rating is a reflection of whether or not you can be trusted to pay bills that you owe.  It’s a historical reflection of the financial decisions you’ve made.  A high credit rating will not just happen, you have to work and be intentional in your efforts to build your score to be an accurate reflection of your integrity, diligence and maturity.  You’ve heard stories about how tough it is to buy something when your credit rating is low and you vowed it would never be you.

The funny thing about being a victim of identity theft is that you are the last to know, it catches you off guard and unaware.  You’ve saved up and you’re ready to purchase that beautiful car you’ve had your eye on.  You head into the dealership, head held high and the salesman asks if you know your credit score and you proudly say 750!  The salesman goes into his pitch about all of the excellent finance options and incentives you qualify for.  You test drive the car and you are in love all that’s left to do is fill out the paper work.  Piece of cake.  The salesman takes your paperwork to the finance department and you start to get antsy after about ten minutes and, finally, after fifteen minutes you see the salesman rounding he corner heading in your direction with a puzzled/concerned look on his face.  He says “ma’am we are not going to be able to finance your purchase, because your credit rating is poor.” Your heart sank as a huge lump lodged in your throat, “you must be mistaken”.  “When was the last time you saw your credit report?” he asks and places the report in front of you.  You know four months ago your score was 750 but how is it possible this report shows 500?  That’s your name, your address but that’s all that looks familiar on the first of four pages.  In shock you wonder how this could have possibly happened.   You feel so violated. Time stands still as you feel the warmth of tears rolling down your face.  In effort to figure out how and when someone got ahold of your personal information to open up lines of credit, you frantically retrace your steps in your mind over the last four months.  You’d been ever so careful and now, you’ve been a victim of the theft of an identity you’ve worked so hard to create.  You find yourself back home and don’t know how you got there.  The day has been a blur.  You’ve been victimized but you have no time to feel sorry for yourself, you have to get busy doing the work you exonerate yourself and reclaim your identity.

That’s what happened to me but it wasn’t with my credit rating, it was with my work rating.  For fifteen years I’d invested in building a career and reputation I could be proud of.  I was the go-to in my office for every and anything.  Working for a large agency word spreads like wild fire.  And that word, about me that spread was excellent.  Lot’s of awards, honors and accolades.  Never received lower than the highest performance evaluation my entire career.  I was ready to take the next big step in my career.  It was time to run my own office.

Three months from the time I filled out my first application, I had moved my family to a new state to turn this office around.  I was excited because there was nowhere to go but up.  The office and employees had been neglected for years and the gloom of rejection was a heavy cloud hovering over the office.  And so I got about the work of laying a foundation that would be strong enough to hold our successful future.  I knew I was doing a good job and making good decisions,  I was proud of where we were headed, especially considering where we’d come from.  Then, a funny thing started to happen, every time I went to a work conference with my peers, I felt like I was being treated differently…folks were distant and seemed to whisper in the corners and the high level execs, the same people who chose me to entrust such an important job to.  But, nose to the grindstone…everybody knows my track record.  They know about the 12 hour days and improvement in the office, no worries.  I’ll get my props soon enough I thought to myself.  And then, out of nowhere like a punch to my gut with a hammer…I started hearing things about myself that made my jaw drop.  I heard it was said that I was incompetent, arrogant, didn’t know what I was doing, a failure, not doing anything right, not fit for the job.  I could not believe it.  Years of hard work erased by an identity thief in the form of an insecure “leader” hell bent on defrauding my character.  She told lies and spread untruths.  Someone who worked with me for months but never gave direction but always had eyes that criticized and judged.  I felt so betrayed and beat up.  No support, only criticism from the one who was there to guide my but, her intention was to take me down and to this day I don’t know why.  She smeared my name and even submitted a report to the executive leaders about me that was scathing.  Completely innocent….I had to work to retake my name and my career.

 

New Beginnings in Grace

There are times on this journey when my feet have followed paths that were not ordered by You. Choices I made that led me to a desolate place. Ashamed, so I hid. Believing the lies whispered into my ear by the consequences of my choices…that I’m no longer welcome in your presence. And so I allow myself to drift further and further away from You on a raft built from the ruins of my life in search of someone, something to heal me, to fix me.

There is no solace for my soul and my hope begins to wither. The picture of vitality is what I paint for those not close enough to see the real me. The weak and frail shell of the confident woman of God I used to be. I miss Him, does He miss me? That’s the question that I wrestle with during my restless nights. How will I ever get the courage to return to You and admit that I’ve failed. How much longer can I carry the burden of all that’s gone wrong? I’m so tired God, that’s all I can say. I need You God, I’m so sorry I ran away. Can we begin again?

I imagine myself resting in Your lap, just like little girl. In Your presence I morph into one assured of your unending, sacrificial love and embrace. I feel the warmth of Your presence and I know I’ve made it home. God it’s been so long. Please forgive me for not talking to You like I should and for making my will an idol that replaced Your desires.